How to (unintentionally) make your kitchen look like a murder scene in twelve easy steps

Step 1: Decide to make pasta for dinner.

Step 2: Cook pasta on stovetop.

Step 3: While cooking pasta, open jar of tomato sauce and pour small amount into microwave safe vessel for heating.

Step 4: Place lid back on jar of tomato sauce.

Step 5: With firm grip, twist lid to secure seal on jar.

Step 6: Become convinced that seal is not tight enough as it should be (or at least, can be); tighten lid more.

Step 7: While exerting incredibly unnecessary effort, clumsily lose grip of both lid and jar.

Step 8: Send contents of jar (red tomato sauce) flying across kitchen, splattering on walls, countertops, appliances, self.

Step 9: Ruin pants, new sweater, chances of being on Top Chef next season.

Step 10: Stand motionless for several minutes marveling at elegant tomato splatter patterns and own stupidity.

Step 11: FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Step 12: Reflect on lessons learned.

3 Comments / Posted in: life, wtf

The most annoying thing ever

This is probably the most annoying thing that I have to deal with at work:

Someone: URGENT! OMG we need [some project] built ASAP! There’s no time to spare! Puppies will die if we don’t act quickly! The apocalypse is imminent!!

Me: Okay. Here is [some project]. Please send me your feedback.

wait 3-5 days…

Someone: Can you change X, Y and Z? Also, we decided to completely change everything. Can you make these changes ASAP?? Puppies will die!!!!

Me: :(

1 Comment / Posted in: wtf

If you’re reading this in Google Reader, you just earned 1 ReaderAdvantage point

The secret is out. The “Mike L.” featured on Google Reader’s ReaderAdvantage™ Program landing page is actually Mike Leotta. As in the MikeLeotta.com Mike Leotta. As in me.

Why is my testimonial featured on this page? And what am I doing squatting in shallow water with ducks? I’m afraid I can’t offer an explanation for the latter but I can for the former: because it was my idea. Well, I actually had proposed the idea for Gmail, but they ended up going in a different direction (which I also had to help out with). So the Reader folks snagged it and modified it slightly.

I’m also responsible for a large portion of the stupid “fine print” at the bottom, which I wrote up very very late at night when I obviously think about Sasquatch more than usual.

Props to the Google Reader team for turning my stupid idea into something fun!

Oh, and don’t forget about that disclaimer link that’s always on the bottom of this site.

3 Comments / Posted in: pointless, Tech, wtf

Hey, you remind me of you

Have you ever seen someone and thought to yourself “that person reminds me of someone”, only to eventually realize that the person they remind you of is actually them?

I do this way too often.

1 Comment / Posted in: wtf

Dealing with phone spammers

There’s been an epidemic, here in California at least, of phone spammers calling random numbers and playing a recording message claiming that “your car’s warranty has expired.” The recording then asks you to press 1 if you’d like to be connected to a representative, who will then try to sell you an outrageously priced extended car warranty.

A few months back I was receiving a spammy call every day on my cell phone. The calls finally stopped, but yesterday I received a call on my work phone line for the first time. This was the last straw for me. I decided to actually press 1 this time to speak with someone and have a little fun. Here’s how the conversation went.

Rep: Hello. This is [some fake name]. Would you … [some lame sales pitch].

Me: Uhh…I didn’t even realize that my warranty had expired.

Rep: Well if you could tell me your car model, year, and VIN number I can check for you.

Me: Umm…I’d have to go outside and check. My car is across the street. Can you wait a few minutes?

Rep: Sure, I can hold.

Me: Thanks, I’ll be right back.

At this point I set the phone down on my desk and did a quick search for some crappy hip hop music on YouTube. As expected, YouTube provided me with an endless supply of crappy hip hop results. I chose one and put one of my headphone speakers up to the phone and turned the volume up full blast. I let this go on for at least five minutes, assuming that the guy probably hung up after the first 30 seconds. At this point I was done amusing myself, so I picked the phone up off my desk to see if he was still there.

Me: Hello? Are you still there?

Rep: Yes, Sir. I’m still here.

Me: Okay good. I realized when I got outside that I actually don’t own a car. I have a bicycle though.

Rep: [click]

I really hope they call again today. I have a few other things I want to try.

4 Comments / Posted in: wtf